I am an out lesbian who owns a progressive preschool and a college student has lodged a bias complaint against me for failing to include LGBTQ families in my lectures. 

I am an LGBTQ family. 

My University sent me resources on “Family Equality: Advancing Equality for LGBTQ Families.” I don’t need suggestions on ‘advancing equality.’ It’s been a personal and professional fight for me for over 20 years. We need resources on how allies can help us advance equality. We need to help students advocate for themselves by talking openly with members of the community they claim to be fighting for. 

My daily practices involve gender-neutral language. I change children’s books to make the protagonist female. We talk about ‘snow-people’ instead of ‘snow-men.’ I give teddy bears two moms. When children make comments like, “We have 3 girls at this table,” I follow-up with them about they ‘know’ there are 3 girls at the table. We don’t know someone feels like a girl in their hearts and in their minds unless we ask them. I don’t even refer to the children as “boys and girls.” 

What is most upsetting (okay, a hell of a lot of this is upsetting), is that the student chose not to talk to me. The student did not choose to leave feedback in their midpoint check-in. The student did not include it in their course evaluation. They submitted a formal bias complaint with the University that is now a part of my record. In the record of someone who teaches workshops like:

• Exploring Anti-bias Curriculum 
• Constructive & Critical Conversations about Diversity & Culture in ECE 
• Talking with Young Children about Marriage Equality 
• Embracing Gender Diversity in Early Childhood 
• Let’s Talk About Gender 

This is in the record of an educator who supported two preschool children and their families through a social transition of their children’s gender. This is in the record of a person who readily let a preschool family leave her program without notice because they didn’t want their child to know gender is a social construct. 

Do you know what happens to college instructors who are members of minoritized groups who actively and regularly highlight that in-group membership? We get accused of having an ‘agenda’ and trying to indoctrinate students. An agenda for being myself. 

My college students are repeatedly exposed to my ire about ‘gender reveal parties,’ as they do not tell us anything about the gender of a child. We don’t know a person’s gender unless they tell us, something a fetus can hardly do. They are truly “sex parties,” something that always gets a chuckle from students, but something they remember and makes an impact on their understanding of the differences between sex and gender. 

Half of my students are using a 2016 edition of the text, and the others are using a 2021 version of the text. The 2016 edition does not address children who are born intersex and the 2021 version has three sentences dedicated to it.  In the time of pandemic teaching, I did not address this. There are many things in the textbook that we do not cover in lecture, but can be read about in the text: the development of shyness and sociability, PKU, Chronic Villus Sampling, and so on. Is the absence of information bias? What is the metric for representation? 

In Human Sexuality (another class I teach), we go into great detail exploring the lives of those born intersex, the history of mistreatment folks have endured, and the various outcomes for those born intersex. We watch videos, write reflections, and discuss. In a class covering prenatal development through middle childhood in ten weeks in a pandemic, we do not address everything. This class is not Human Sexuality, but my feminist lens permeates all of the classes I teach. Gender is interwoven into the fabric of classes like Families in Poverty, Family Violence & Neglect, human development courses, and preschool practicums.

So, I ask, what is the answer? Rainbow PowerPoint slides? Every slide includes same-sex parents? My slides ALREADY have same-sex parents, coupled hetero parents, single parents, parenting grandparents, and so on.  In the slides with adults in them, the majority are Black, Asian, or Latina, with the exception of the old, White male theorists that lay the foundation of Human Development theory. We can’t assume gender in the pictures because we do not know the people in them. I guess the photos of “two men and a baby” weren’t clear enough? “HELLO! THESE ARE TWO MEN PLAYING WITH A BABY! I THINK THE MEN ARE IN LOVE AND HAVE SEX TOGETHER!” 

If the student had waited, she would see we do discuss gender fluidity in young children, LGBTQ parenting, how to talk with young children about gender diversity, and a sharing of my favorite books for young children on LGTBTQ families. 

I am an educator who uses phrases like “developmental differences.” An educator who corrects students when they label development as ‘normal’ or use phrases like “sexual preference.”  I am an educator who uses person-first language. I am not biased against the group I am in. Other people express bias toward my group. 

Imagine sending a faculty member in a wheelchair information on using less ablest language or offering feedback to a Black professor on how to be less racist in the classroom. You can’t imagine it because it is so blatantly ridiculous.

This is NOT ally-ship. This feels like gaslighting. I’ve gone through all of my lectures, second guessing myself. What did I do? What did I say?  Everything is recorded now. This student has filed a complaint against an established expert in the field, who is also a member of minoritized group for whom she claims to be advocating. This is not education. This is not growth. She has filed a bias report against one of the most progressive instructors at the University. How is this even helpful? How does this make me feel safe? 

“If you like the idea of having a woman that hates boys iwn s Preschool and try to brainwash them to hate their penis, then this is the perfect school.”

As an out lesbian who owns and operates a preschool where children are encouraged and supported in being their authentic selves, it’s not surprising a formerly enrolled parent would post nonsensical ramblings on social media about the school (several years after the family’s children were enrolled). Such transparency and activism likely make me and my work a target for misguided anger. Perhaps a more troubling question ~ What is happening in these children’s lives that led their parent to post this vitriol years later? 

As a college educator who is passionate about the quality of one’s writing, let me start by offering some writing feedback:

• “that hates boys” – This should be “who hates boys.”
• “iwn s” – in? 
• “Preschool” – This should be lower-cased, unless of course, you are referring to my school by its proper name.
• “hate their penis” – It sounds like the author is referring to multiple boys, therefore I would be training them to “hate their penises.” I can’t imagine the author is using the pronoun “they” to refer to an individual person and not a group. 

Oddly, I cannot ever recall brainwashing preschoolers… I’m lucky if I can get them to keep their fingers out of their noses, let alone “brainwash” them. And brainwashing those college students is even more difficult! I dream of brainwashing them to read the syllabus in its entirety and to follow proper APA formatting. If I could brainwash people, I would certainly use my ‘mind control’ for the betterment of society, not to teach “genital hatred.”

When I created my preschool, one of my main goals was to provide physical and emotional safety, as well as create a welcoming environment for all children and families in our program. As educators, we concentrate on creating environments that are gender expansive and fluid, where children can express a wide range of emotions, interests, and behaviors that fall anywhere along the gender continuum. We strive to affirm all children and allow them to express their interests and find confidence in their strengths.

Regardless of personal belief, all parents want their children to feel happy and safe.  Conversations around gender identity do not involve discussion of sexual activity or behavior. Gender is what is in our hearts and in our minds, not necessarily what is between our legs.

We will continue to support an environment of honest, child-led conversations. Children at this age have a lot of questions and engage in natural exploration on a variety of what adults may perceive as sensitive topics, like gender and death. These conversations are developmentally typical, regardless of participating in an early learning environment supporting gender fluidity and expansiveness. 

With that, we also believe in adhering to the best practices of our field. Our conversations around gender are developmentally appropriate and guided by information gained from the NAEYC, the AAP, and APA.

“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.” ~ Maya Angelou ~

My favorite book lists for young children regarding gender:

• Challenging Gender Limits with Picture Books
• Great Diverse Children’s Books with Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender Expansive Children

Seventeen years ago, next month, I left my husband because I knew in my heart I was attracted to women. Yet, I’m still not ‘out’ in academia.

I own a preschool and live above the school with my wife. When I originally opened the preschool, I was advised to keep my gayness on the down-low. I desperately wanted people to enroll in my program and they certainly did not need to know I am a lesbian. Neither did I feel comfortable having books in my school library related to LGBTQ themes (even though I owned them) – Heather Has Two Mommies or And Tango Makes Three.

Visiting families might ask, “Is your husband background checked?” or “What does your husband do?” Then I would share that my wife is background checked as part of our licensing requirement. My sexual orientation also makes for a great filter of potential families. If you don’t feel comfortable with your child having a teacher in a same-sex relationship, then you’ll likely not feel comfortable with other aspects of our program. The tours either quickly ended or parents were delighted to find such diversity in our town. In some ways it became easier once same-sex marriage was federally legalized. “I live upstairs with my wife.”

This past year has been a journey. Our program supported a family as their preschooler publicly transitioned genders. While sexual orientation and gender identity are two entirely different concepts, they are often merged together through our ever-expanding alphabet-soup acronym – LGBTQIA. If a family had issue with our support of a child transitioning gender, what did they think of me? While our journey of celebration and support for our preschooler who is transgender will be the topic of a future blog post, it’s influenced my thoughts on the importance of visibility moving forward.

In my college classes, I’ve always been somewhat closeted. When I first starting teaching in the early-2000s, I recall going to the director of the preschool I was working in (it was a lab school on a University campus) and sharing that I had begun dating women. I wanted her to hear it from me, instead of from a concerned family.

When I moved to another University several years later, a few of my mentor teachers were closeted. I assumed that was just what you did. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Granted, the campus was fairly conservative. I was also hindered by my own youth on a college campus where the average student age when I started was 32. I was nowhere near my thirties! I didn’t need yet another reason for students to discredit my teaching. I was mindful to use gender-neutral language when referring to my life. “We went camping this weekend” or “My partner and I bought a house.” A handful of students knew I was in a same-sex relationship – those in leadership positions in the Human Development Club that I advised and a handful of teaching assistants. Students who spent way too much time in my office to continue to bother with the façade.

Then I briefly stepped away from academia when I moved back to my hometown to open a progressive preschool. A hometown that has not always been LGBTQ-friendly. A hometown where I didn’t feel comfortable walking down the street holding hands with my wife. A hometown where I was verbally assaulted for being a lesbian long before I ever knew I was attracted to women. There was no question in my mind that my gayness had to be on the back-burner.

Before long, I was teaching at our local community college and another four-year University. Again, I was using gender-neutral, closeted language. A handful of out LGBTQ students have found me, not to be fooled by my clever use of words.

I’m tired. I’m tired of using gender-neutral language to refer to someone who is legally my wife. I’m tired of avoiding authentic, organic conversations with my college students before and after class about our personal lives. I can be out to 4-year-olds and their families, but not to my college students. I recently had a college intern at my preschool refer to my wife as the “woman who works upstairs.” While my preschool library now has books like Jacob’s New Dress and Introducing Teddy, I somehow can’t bring myself to be out in academia.

Enough is enough. I’m done.

My college students need to see me as an out lesbian who works with young children. And that it’s okay… And that my preschool families embrace us… Is my program the right fit for everyone? Of course not. But for a large portion of the population, my sexual orientation is irrelevant and may even serve to strengthen my awareness of issues related to gender, sexual orientation, and a multitude of other non-majority groups.

This is why when an email came through last week from our University’s new diversity coordinator to volunteer to staff a booth at our local Pride festival, I volunteered. Sign me up. Growing up in this town, there was no Pride festival. If one future or current college student sees me on that day, and I can change one life by simply being visible and proud, then it will be worth it. I look forward to the journey ahead….

You can’t be what you can’t see…

(M.W. Edelman)

Perhaps I’m just sensitive from those days in elementary school where the teachers likely wanted us to learn math skills like sorting and classification.

“Everyone with blue eyes stand over here on the right. Everyone with brown eyes, stand over here on the left. Now let’s count!”

You see, I have Iris Nevus which means my eyes are two different colors. One is all blue and the other is half-blue and half-brown. Where do I stand? Where do I fit in?

Teachers do this daily in classrooms across the world – boys on one side and girls on the other. What if you don’t fit into that arbitrary binary?

It’s also common practice to address the class, “Okay boys and girls, let’s get ready for lunch.” Or, “Girls, it’s time to wash hands.” “Boys, putting the paints away.”

Why do we address children by their gender groups anyway? It’s just a demographic label. We don’t address them in the following ways (or I hope we don’t anyway):

• “Okay neurotypical and non-neurotypical children, time to line up!”
• “Black, Latino, Asian, & Caucasian students, it’s time to go outside!”
• “Wealthy, middle-class, and poor, time for snack!”

We would be horrified in a classroom where children were spoken to in those categorized ways. So why is addressing the class by gender labels okay? Why do young children constantly need to be reminded of their gender?

When we label children in this way, it highlights to them that gender is important… That being a boy or a girl is so important, it is how adults address the entire classroom community.

How about, “time to go outside everyone?”

We’re all human after all; let’s start there…